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Why men are afraid to get married

By Michael A.T. Stewart Communication Specialist/Counselor Licensed Marriage Officer

Men want children, houses, women and sex, but, not wives. This is the result of a study done with American men between the ages of 25 - 33.

And they found ten reasons why men prefer not to get married. I find them very interesting and wonder how much it may reflect in our own scenario. I hope that it also provides an insight for those many women who ask me this question time and time again.

1. "Men get sex quite easily without being married."

I guess it is a case of why buy cow if you getting milk free. Here is a question to consider, do women help create a situation of getting rid of the motivation for men's commitment to marriage? Just a thought. Where do men get sex from easily? From the same women who desire men to marry them most likely.

2. "Men can get all the benefits of a wife without getting married just by living together."

He gets sex, house keeping, children but no marriage. Besides it gives him a chance to test out the relationship first. And some women wonder why they live with this man for so long and he would not get married no matter how much he says he would marry them. Men get both the wifely duties and the freedom from commitment by living together. Few men would want to give up that kind of life.

3. Men want to avoid the financial risk. In other words they are looking out for their assets.

Without the obligation of marriage a man can "duck and run" at the first sign of trouble in the relationship and he has a better chance of keeping it all. (Common law marriage is now recognized in law and may make this escape a bit more difficult) Some men do not build a house and prefer to rent because they do not want to invest too heavily on a relationship that he himself is not sure he is in it for the long haul.

4. Men want children when they are older.

Some women are racing their biological clock. Men are not as concerned since they do not have a biological clock and therefore marriage has no urgency. Since men can have sex quite easily as said in item 1, then it stands to reason that they can also have children at will without marriage.

5. Men see marriage as restricting freedom.

Men cherish their freedom. Marriage threatens that and brings with it serious responsibilities. The child in a man wants to exist longer and the thought of being domesticated may be intimidating to some men. Women who make heavy demands on a man such as to account for his whereabouts, to adjust his personality, to give up his partners or to stop his vices or hobbies that he has lived with and enjoyed for years, confirm in the mind of a man that marriage strangles freedom.

6. Men face fewer pressures from society to get married.

In years gone by, society insisted on a man doing the 'honourable thing.' In my father's day you could not be a school teacher and have someone pregnant for you and still keep your job. Those days are long gone. Churches used to preach chastity and spoke out boldly against fornication and adultery; such sermons have become scarce in recent times. You would quicker hear a lesson on prosperity and becoming debt free than you would on adultery and fornication. Even then the emphasis has always been more on women to marry and settle down in family life than on men.No wonder as girls from a very early age were oriented to play with dolls and mimic homemakers. When those girls mature into women they desire to live that which they fanaticised. Boys were never encouraged to participate in dolly-house games so men have no such fantasies. The pressure is off.

7. Men are reluctant to marry women with children.

The problem of who can discipline whose child and the fear of 'child-father' making a tack back discourages men. The study shows that if the father is out of the way men are more open to marry. Yet, because men are slow to commit, but engage in sex quite freely, it is almost certain that by the time they decide to settle down, their intended spouse would more than like already have children.

8. Men want to own house and a good job before they get married.

The average man would live common law without owning a house but he prefers owning his own home and be in a state of predictable income before he marries. Well you know in today's setting that could take forever. So men may very well get married upon retirement.

9. Men want the single life for as long as ever.

It is a matter of wanting to eat the cake and cut your calories. It can't happen. Single life could run into 70's. Left to himself, a man would remain single forever, unless he is persuaded to give up single life. If he has found his love and she is not willing to live common law and would rather move on that wait indefinitely, he may be forced to rethink his position. If he loves her that much he is likely to give up his single life. If not he would probably ignore her request for marriage and/or move on to someone else who is prepared to allow him his married-single life.

10. Men are waiting for the right woman to come along.

I found this to be the most interesting of all the responses in the survey because in it men also admitted that they lived with women who they do not intend to marry because they think the right woman is still out there and the one they have now is not whom they feel assured that they can live the rest of their lives. In reality these women are holding acting position and their tenure could be short lived if or when a better person comes along. What a thing. So for now, these men say they would keep who they have, because she is a good woman but wondering if the right one would really come along.

Well that is what the study said so I thought of sharing it with you. That is food for thought. I often wonder what the survey would show as reasons why some women preferred not to be married and are quite contented to live common law.

For private counselling please call 868-635-1801 or email mats4sure@yahoo.com

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Anonymous said on Sunday, Nov 24 at 5:27 AM

I was in a relationship with a guy whom I spent 4 yrs commonlaw with we have a three year old daughter, and yesterday I gave him back his engagement ring, due to the painful fact that he doesn't want to get married. The last straw was when I was laying down upstairs when I heard him reply to a family freind ( who is female) nah no wedding! I am really hurt but I know in my heart he will jus have me around and never marry me. Hopefully I get over him quickly.

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Denisia said on Saturday, Nov 9 at 10:49 PM

I am 29 and currently thinking of settling for a man who is 41 years old, separated with no kids and living on his own. He is unconcerned about getting a divorce, but compared to the few other prospects I have dated, he was by far the most caring and loyal of them. I don't think I can deal with other people's kids. And yes, I have always desired marriage, but I rather stay with him than looking for another man who may not treat me as well as him. It's a fact that the majority of men of today do not want marriage... they are afraid of the term in their minds because they think marriage is equivalent of committing social suicide.

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Eleven, said on Thursday, Apr 12 at 11:33 PM

Another perspective . People feel that as long as they have financial independence they should get married and go on their own. This obsession of independence in modern western lifestyles is also a keep back to marriage. In the Asian families it was and still is acceptable to marry and continue living at home.In fact it is preferred as long as the people could afford the necessary household help. There is no disgrace in this since family members help each other raise children and business is planned and decided at many times over the dinner table. Young couples get to spend more quality time , study and even enjoy recreational activities since work is in the extended family is all shared. Therefore , we should not generalize about marriage since men and even some women must avoid it in these western circumstances. The selfish nuclear family is not always best . All generations in joint family systems benefit.

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Anonymous said on Wednesday, Apr 11 at 10:01 AM

I wonder why mines always wants to get married..

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